Just a quick post while I take an unearned break from exam revision.
While reading Evan Sanders post, Day (329) – An Old Soul, and listening to Debussy’s Clair de Lune, I found myself wondering if I might be too young to be an old soul, whatever an old soul is.
My friends sometimes call me an old lady, because I would often rather enjoy a quite night than a loud night out partying. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the night, I love staying up talking all night at sleepovers, and going for night strolls or drives. I find the night to be strangely comforting, like sitting beside a window on a rainy day listening to the rain fall.
There is no doubt I am most definitely an introvert. I find myself having “old soul” moments rather more often than might be expected at my age. Moments like when I lie in bed, kept up by a tumultuous sea of thoughts – one idea leading onto another – and the only release is writing it all out of my head. Or moments where I find myself simply thinking, about life, love, the big bad world. I’ve been told I’m too intense, an over-thinker, but occasionally ‘not all there’. I spend a lot of my time thinking about things other people scarcely consider. I think it just kind of happened naturally after my parents divorce, and though I sometimes wish I hadn’t needed to grow up so fast, I am forever grateful I somehow thought myself into forgiving rather than hating them.
I have plans, so many of them, and sometimes I get asked, don’t you just want to enjoy being a teenager, and just living life from this perspective? But I’m not sure I know what that even means. Is pondering, and exploring the world around me, and the soul inside of me not enjoying my life as it is? Is there something else I should be doing? Some defining characteristic of being a ‘teenager’?
Does art make you an old soul? Art is such a beautiful thing, and it never ceases to amaze me that a writer’s entire life philosophy can be contained in just a few books, or that a lifetime of emotions can be contained in something so fleeting as a 2-hour performance of music or dance, and that a film or play represents something so much more than the story of the characters it brings to life. If appreciating such beauty makes me an old soul, then I don’t think there’s much wrong with living my whole life as an old soul.
But art is not food, and I am eternally grateful that because of the love I have received, and the comfortable life I was born into, I can choose art over food. I am grateful that I have the choice to contribute to the world through art and commerce, to ponder and explore the metaphysical, to be an old soul where other might not dream of such a luxury. I am grateful that I don’t have to worry about where my next meal will come from, or where I will sleep tonight, or if my presence is at all significant amongst 7 billion other people on earth. I am grateful for all the books I have had occasion to read, all the films I have been been fortunate to watch, but most of all I am grateful for the friends and family who have loved me in all my crazy entirety. I have never once felt loneliness which I did not inflict upon myself, and I hardly know how to begin thanking my loved ones for that.
I hope to begin by crafting something of my own, be it a business or a piece of art. I want simply to be able to create something unique for the world, which if I’m lucky, might just touch the souls of those around me.