An unmotivated dreamer

I’d like to say I’ve been putting off blogging because I was studying really hard for yesterday’s macro exam. But in reality, I’ve been feeling very unmotivated and boring these past few days and I didn’t particularly want to share that even though I was procrastinating. 

My exams have been disappointing, not because I think I’m going to fail or anything like that, but I was really under prepared through no one’s fault by my own and I’m a little peeved at myself for not taking this exam period seriously. I won’t do poorly by any standards, but knowing what I can achieve, I’ve set the bar low this semester. I’ve become complacent.

I think I got distracted by the excitement of starting this blog, and writing, and having people like my writing; of being selected to go to Auckland for a case competition; of making the decision to change my major, and to apply for a position at the Melbourne Globalist; of making plans and goals for the summer;  of doing new and exciting things. Perhaps that’s why exam study felt not only boring and tedious as usual, but strangely unfulfilling and unnecessary.

I found myself thinking, that I would be fine regardless of whether I maintained my average or not, so who cares! The inklings of a passion, for writing and for management not finance, made the monotonous repetition of academic revision seem much more unappealing. But, passion is nothing without hard work.

I remember reading an article once, about habits of highly innovative thinkers, or something along those lines. According to this article, more than raw creativity, routine, structure and hard work are needed to turn ideas into reality. In this sense, creativity is a bit like a wild force, that needs to tamed in order to get the most out of it. Isn’t that the process of honing your art? Isn’t art and expression about training your words, your voice, your hands – whatever creative tool you use, to be more precise at realising what’s going on inside your mind into tangible expressions that can be shared?

So what am I going to do? I’m not sure yet. Achieving success is a strangely delicate balance of dreams and action. I am definitely a dreamer. As for the hard work, I’ve never really chosen or stuck to things that are really demanding. I’ve been happy to cruise along getting good grade with minimal work, thanks to a natural academic tendency, and just let myself off if I don’t achieve a particular dream with the pitiful excuse that I could have done it if I’d tried harder or that it was too lofty a goal to begin with.

Let me own up to a few dreams that will require some hard work, in the hope that it will hold me accountable. I’d like to do my postgrad studies in Europe or the US, on scholarship. Actually, to be more precise I want to be a Rhodes scholar at Oxford. Wow, that sentence looks almost terrifying in writing, and so much more confronting that a casual perusal of the Rhodes Scholarship website. I’m rather anxiously contemplating deleting this whole paragraph. But I won’t. Instead, I’m going to start aiming for 90’s because I know I can do it, and I’m going to keep doing extra-curicular activities I love and enjoy, and I’m going to commit to doing my diploma of Japanese. I thought I might write some of my other dreams, but I think I need some time for this one to sink in.

To finish I guess I should say, rather guiltily, I haven’t yet gone for a run. I don’t have any excuses really, I can’t say that I’ve been studying instead, though hopefully publicly owning up to being a lazy slug will get me off my bum.

Also, thank you to everyone who told me they like my posts, or just secretly read and enjoyed my posts, it really means a lot! (Yes, I’m just putting off pressing publish because it’s freakin’ daunting!)

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