Summer Doubts

I feel a little bit guilty posting because I should be sleeping, or studying or preparing for Auckland, but I think I might implode if I don’t write something. 

My summer has been rather disappointing to be honest. Perhaps disappointing isn’t the word, but I don’t feel as though I’ve really enjoyed my holidays. It might just be that I’m feeling nostalgic about high school and all the time I spent doing nothing with people who somehow became my closest friends. But, the real world scares me a little.

I haven’t really gotten along that well with my case comp team, and I haven’t started to love doing cases yet even though the competition is in just over a week. I feel unprepared but I can’t seem to motivate myself to want to work harder. I was really hoping that working on cases would be a really exciting experience, and I would work with people who’s ideas really amazed me. But in reality, I’ve ended up feeling, more than ever before, that I haven’t a clue how to work with people and how to have fun with people. I crave the satisfaction of accomplishing something with a team, something that can’t be achieved individually, but I haven’t quite learnt how to deal with when things don’t go quite to plan. I haven’t figured out a way not to be so harsh on myself and my team. I haven’t worked out the hang of this constructive criticism thing, or stressing about whether I actually am the source of the problem itself. Honestly, this whole case competition experience seems to reflect all the insecurities I’ve been having about my social skills, or lack thereof.

I worry that I’m not nice enough, that I’m too blunt, that I’m intimidating and too aloof. It troubles me when people are surprised I wouldn’t mind if I ended just being a housewife and a mother; or that I want to do something to change the world – not in a “get famous” kind of way, but in a real social change kind of way. I think about how people always seem to misjudge and misunderstand me, and whether that might just be because I’m stupid at conveying who I am. I’ve always believed that other people’s impressions of oneself are at least partly one’s own responsibility. I’ve believe this because we all actively make decisions about the way we present ourselves, and the way we act and approach people. But how far should one need to take responsibility for any unconscious actions or the prejudices of others?

It’s alright if some people misunderstand me or never get to know the ‘real’ me, isn’t it?
It just makes the friends who do stick around that much more special, right?
It’s alright if not everyone can understand the way I express my love, isn’t it?
As long as it gets through to the people I really do love?
It’s alright if I can’t understand everybody I meet, isn’t it?
As long as I earnestly try to?

I’ll be myself, 
and perhaps not everyone will agree,
but at least some will love me for me.

That’s all I really care about isn’t it?
Being able to love, and being sincere.
That’s it.

Things will be fine even if I make some mistakes.
I’ll apologise, make amends and change myself then.
I’ll never be perfect, and I’ll never figure out the perfect plan, so maybe I’ll just be.

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