Alive or Living?

Hello world, it’s been a while since I last posted. I’m still alive if you were wondering. I’ve just been a little bit all over the place lately. My head hasn’t quite been in the right place to blog so I’m going to write this post to clear my mind a little. Real content soon!

I am a self-proclaimed introvert and generally I’m okay with that. Lately though, I’d been using it as an excuse to hide away from the world, to justify blocking out life. I’d been waking up feeling completely unprepared to face reality, incapable of dealing with this feeling of being overwhelmed. I just wanted to take a break from life.

But guilt has a way of creeping into bed with you when you’re sleeping in for the fourth day in a row. Mornings become a strange kind of tug-of-war – between who you want to be, and the person lying in your bed. As the days go on, the guilt builds up and you feel more and more useless, even somewhat worthless. As the days go on, you start to lose sight of who you want to be and resign yourself to the disappointment of fading dreams. You become envious of everyone around you, living their perfect lives, going places you cannot follow. You begin to wallow in disgusting self-pity, and a sense of bitterness tints your world. This is the beginning of despair.

So, if you couldn’t tell, I’ve been kinda frustrated with myself lately, with how I’ve been treating people in my life, and the way I’ve been avoiding responsibility in general. In all honesty, my list is of to-do’s and things on my mind is not that long, but I just don’t want to. I feel like a little child, throwing a tantrum at the world, demanding to be loved unconditionally – daring the world to come and pull me out of my funk. That’s never the way things work though.

Luckily, I’ve been here before, and I remembered that I have people I love, who love me back, and who I want to be a better person for. It’s hard for me to rely on people because I always want to be the one relied upon, but thankfully I have friends who force their way in and remind me of my own capabilities. I am eternally grateful for their presence in my life. Still, I felt I should write this post as an open apology, not excuse, for my general distantness, slow replies and disagreeableness lately. I’m ready to be back in the real world, or at least I will be tomorrow morning!

I thought I’d end with a list of things I’m looking forward to this summer 🙂

  • Drinks with my Big Idea team ❤
  • Adventure times when everyone else finishes exams!
  • Jap Class Dinner!
  • Getting my braces off finally!
  • Hong Kong (less than 1 month to go!)
  • San Francisco
  • Bangkok
  • Chinese New Year in China! $$$
  • Taiwan
  • Melbourne Summer funtimes when I get back in February!

One comment

  1. hey cynthia!
    it was nice to see you the other day, although a little awkward.. i just wanted to let you know that i love reading your blog and i love the way you write!!! 🙂

    wowwww.. your summer looks super exciting! im so jelly hahhaha, hope you have fun ~~

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